In case you haven't noticed I'm a Wendi Aarons groupie - I don't know how you get to be so funny. Which is very cool because it's a great way to post something extremely clever on my blog without having to do the work.
THE TEN EASY STEPS TO CHAPERONING A CLASS FIELD TRIP ™By Wendi Aarons
Step 1: Fake Your Own Death
Sure you said you’d commandeer the 2nd grade zoo trip, but that doesn’t mean you actually will commandeer the 2nd grade zoo trip. Especially if you’re dead! Simply update your Facebook status the morning of the event with one of the following:
“Going to see how far I can lean over the deck of this cruise ship!” or
“Hope the fellas down here at the heroin den don’t mind me stealing their stash!”
Then close the curtains, turn off the lights and chill, baby! You can tell everyone you’re still alive after the kids come home and/or the insurance money pours in. Smart!
Step 2: Arrive in Style
If you’re not savvy enough to talk your way out of the field trip, don’t worry. You can still salvage the day by telling the teacher that you’ll meet the class there. Then plant your sweet ass in a chauffeured stretch limo (paid for with the class’ snack fund) and swill cheap champagne while you wave at the other parents who are all stuck on the yellow bus like juvenile offenders on a work release trip. In no time flat, you’ll arrive refreshed, relaxed and just drunk enough to actually enjoy watching a pack of 6-year-olds learn the life cycle of a butterfly! Hic!
(Note: Standing up in the limo’s moon-roof and flipping the bus the bird is fine, but really—why gild the lily?)