NEW OLD WIVES
It is about time that we do something about Old Wives’ Tales. All those old wives died eons ago.
Their tales no longer resonate with anybody. But we all need something to cling to in these days
of the one percent, global warming, and falling real estate values. So I have taken it upon myself
to give the world some New Wives’ Tales. You can thank me later.
- Feed a cold. Feed a fever. Feed a headache. Feed a divorce. Feed a traffic jam. Feeding should involve chocolate.
- When in doubt, send it in a text message, because with caller ID, your children never answer when you call, anyway.
- If your doctor calls you by your first name when you are naked, ask him to take off his pants.
- If you can’t say anything nice, then talk about the Polar Vortex.
- You can judge a book by its cover. This is why it is never a good idea to go to a job interview wearing sweats.
- Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Nobody knows what
bushels are, so they wouldn’t know if there were lights under it.
They would be too busy saying “What is that thing over there?