There's no pub date yet for book #2 but if you'd like a preview of The Ones You Left Behind, here's chapter one.
I'd love your comments. All are welcome and helpful.
(If you're one of my readers, it has probably changed substantially since you read it.)
I hope you enjoy.
(If you're one of my readers, it has probably changed substantially since you read it.)
I hope you enjoy.
THE ONES YOU LEFT BEHIND
by Samantha Hoffman
Chapter 1
“Let’s cut through the alley. It’ll
be faster.”
“Eeeww, I hate that alley,” Mollie
said, but I took her hand and hurried her along.
I’d parked a couple blocks away
from the school because I knew the lot would be full by the time we arrived.
We’d waited and waited for Jake to get home but he hadn’t shown up, and now I
had mere minutes to deliver Mollie to the auditorium on time.
I was surprised when he wasn’t back
from his run in time to go to Mollie’s piano recital, not because this
going-missing thing was an unprecedented event – that had happened with some
regularity in our marriage – but he never neglected his youngest daughter’s
recitals. And this was a huge event – some of the students from this recital
would be chosen to go to the music competition in New York, and Mollie badly
wanted to go. She would be devastated if her dad wasn’t there to cheer her on.
The heels of her new shoes clacked
on the concrete and bounced off the buildings.
“All the girls are wearing heels,”
she’d told me.
I hate when she tells me stuff like
that. “If all the girls shave their heads bald…” I always want to say, but
mostly I control that urge. And sometimes, if I really reach for it, I can even
remember what it was like to be thirteen.
Through the far end of the alley I
could see other families heading into the auditorium and I thought, okay, good,
we’ll make it.
And then a man turned into the
alley in front of us, and I couldn’t see him clearly because it was cavernous
and dark in there, even though it was broad daylight, but I could see he wore a
stocking cap pulled down over his forehead and his pants hung low on his hips
and he walked in a slow, arrogant way, and a red flash went off in my brain and
I gripped Mollie’s hand tighter.
“Ow, Mom,” she said, and tried to
pull her hand away but I held on and inventoried the contents of my purse in my
head, wondering if I had something sharp. All I could think of was the keychain
Jake had given me for an engagement present, a sterling silver pendant hung off
of it – a strength pendant he’d called it – with the words: "What lies behind us, and what lies
before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." A quote from
Emerson.
“You’re stronger than you think you are,” Jake always told me.
I didn’t feel very strong at that moment but I knew that pendant had some
sharp edges. And I knew if Jake had gotten home on time I wouldn’t be worrying
about being in this scary alley. How would he live with himself if we
were robbed or stabbed? Or killed.
My head pounded as the man got
closer. Would people would hear us if we screamed? And then the man was so
close that I could see he was just a boy, really, and then he said, “Hey,
Mollie.”
“Hey, Jeff,” Mollie said. It took a
moment to readjust my thinking but in my relief a sound escaped my throat – an
ugly, embarrassing, honking sound – and I coughed to cover it up. I slowed my
pace and dropped Mollie’s hand, feeling stupid, overreacting like that. I
wouldn’t have done that if Jake had been here. I wouldn’t say it aloud, it was
too embarrassing – I was a grown woman, after all – but I always felt safer
with Jake around.
“How do you know that boy?” I
asked.
“Courtney’s brother. You’ve seen
him like a million times.”
Oh.
###
Before she left me to run backstage
Mollie said, “Dad will be here before I play, right?” and I said, “Oh, I’m
sure.”
I couldn’t have said what time Jake
left today; I’d been busy baking chocolate-peanut butter cupcakes for the bake
sale, talking to my friend Maggie on the phone, looking for a new duvet cover
on Overstock.com. Had he been dressed in running clothes? Had I reminded him
about Mollie’s recital?
Jake would often go out on an
errand, or a quick jog through the forest preserve and not come back for hours.
He was easily distracted by people. And nature, examining each rock as if it
were from Stonehenge, inspecting every twig and weed and wildflower. He was a
botanist. He was all about nature.
It happened early and often in our
relationship, and in the beginning I cried and pouted and tried to guilt him
into not doing it again. And then, on the night before our wedding, I waited at
our rehearsal dinner with thirty people for nearly half an hour for Jake to
show up. After twenty minutes I was a blubbering mess, sure he’d run off with
Carley Vaughn, his lab partner in college; Carley Vaughn of the long, perfect
legs. My mother was talking me down from sawing at my wrists with a butter
knife when I heard a loud, piercing whistle outside, unmistakable in its
particularity. It was Jake – that whistle was distinct; it was how he’d called
to me from across campus or in a crowded mall. And sure enough, in he rushed,
full of apologies and sweetness, kissing my face and lips and hair, thumbing
away my tears, saying, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.” He’d gone
for a run to blow off some steam, he told me, and lost track of time.
“God, Hannah, I’m such an asshole.
I don’t deserve you.” He held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes.
“Can you ever forgive me?”
Later, after the festivities were
over we’d sat together on the porch of my parents’ house, holding hands,
watching the clouds float across the moon, Jake fingering my engagement ring
with its tiny, perfect, diamond, and he said, “We’re going to be together for
the rest of our lives, Hannah. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to
me. Don’t ever doubt how much I love you. I promise I’ll make a big effort not
to get distracted by things…” He waved his arm, encompassing the scene before
us. “…the world. But if I do, know that it’s not intentional. It’s just how I
am. I can’t help it.”
“You can try,” I’d said, in my
innocence and youth, believing back then that people could change.
Of course he did it again. And
again. And each time he was full of apologies. And each time he reminded me
that he wasn’t perfect, and I knew that, of course, but to my mind he was
awfully close. So I learned to live with it - not that I ever stopped being
exasperated – but I accepted that this was Jake. And then, so did the kids.
What choice did we have?
###
I saved a seat for Jake at Mollie’s
performance and kept looking around to watch for him. He’d know where I was, we
always sat in the same approximate area; left side, toward the front, on the
aisle to accommodate his long legs. But there was no sign of him.
When I saw that Mollie’s part was
fifth in the program I realized it would give me just enough time to run to the
Jewel and get some roses, something Jake always did when she performed. I left
my red and black plaid jacket on the seat so Jake would recognize it, and asked
the woman next to me if she would watch for him.
“He’s six foot four, thin, salt and
pepper hair, a nice smile,” I said. “He may be in running clothes with sweat
dripping off him,” and off I went, just in case he didn’t make it. He’d given
Mollie a bouquet for every single performance so far, and she had dried petals
from each one pasted into a scrapbook she’d made with a piano découpaged on the
cover. I couldn’t let this performance go unrecorded.
The flowers were picked over by
this time but I found a presentable-enough bouquet, bought some pink tissue
paper and ribbon, and wrapped it at the stoplights on my way back to the
school, and got back to my seat (no Jake) in plenty of time for Mollie’s
introduction.
Mollie looked ethereal. She never
ceased to amaze me, this lovely child, our not-so-little surprise when I was
forty-two years old. What a shock that had been, to find myself pregnant at
that age. Of course there had been alcohol involved.
Clara was sixteen and Spencer about
to go into junior high and there I was, having a baby. They were both very
grossed-out at this turn of events (at that age I’m sure it conjured up
unwelcome pictures of Jake and me…well, you know). I had been shocked and
appalled at first. By then Jake and I had been ready to have some freedom
again, to take more vacations, see more movies, maybe go dancing once in a while.
I’d even been studying the course catalog from DePaul University – Jake had
brought it home one day – thinking maybe I’d get a teaching credential for the
next chapter of my life.
But I warmed quickly to the idea of
this shiny, new, dependent person who would love me unconditionally. Jake
hadn’t warmed as quickly. He didn’t have the benefit of those hormones. They do
amazing things to your brain.
“We don’t have to do this,” he had
said when I told him.
“What does that mean, we don’t have to do this?”
I wasn’t stupid; I just couldn’t
believe he’d suggest it.
“We have choices, Hannah. If it was
the fifties we wouldn’t, but today we do. We didn’t plan this but we can alter
the outcome.” This, from nature-man, the man who loved all things ecological
and biological and environmental; the man who planted dune grasses in our
Midwestern yard and cultivated wild flowers. I couldn’t believe it. “We’re
almost at a point where we’ll have our lives back,” he’d said, “when we can do
all the things we didn’t get to do when we were young. We can go live in
Bolivia if we want to, join Habitat for Humanity and build houses in
Egypt.”
Bolivia?
Did he want to live in Bolivia?
I’d looked at him; his pleading
eyes, the fine lines that were appearing around his mouth, the strands of gray
at his temples, and somewhere deep in my heart I felt compassion for him, but
when you weighed it against the microscopic, vulnerable being growing in my
womb there was no contest.
“You want to kill our baby?” I said.
He flinched. “Jesus, Hannah.” He
dragged his hand over his face, looked at me with wounded eyes and walked away.
We never discussed it again.
When our Mollie was born I was
forty-two and Jake was forty-four. Never in a million years did I think we’d
have a newborn at that time in our lives.
The minute he saw Mollie Jake was
over the moon, but it was tough on him all those years – I knew that – having
to postpone his dreams again; he wouldn’t be taking that road trip across the
country any time soon. There would be no sabbatical for him, no motorcycle in
the near future. And there would be no college classes for me – not with
another mouth to feed. Not for a long, long while.
###
When she was introduced, Mollie walked
on stage and smiled, bowed her head once in thanks for the applause, and sat at
the piano looking poised and confident. On stage she was no longer my baby; she
was a performer; unselfconscious and serene. She had a big presence, a natural
appeal. I had no idea where that came from, certainly not from me, but it
puffed me up with pride.
She played elegantly, just one tiny
mistake on one of her runs, and when she took her bow the audience clapped
loudly. I shouted, “Woo hoo!” and there were a few Bravo!s, and then a whistle that made my ears perk up. It sounded a
little like Jake’s, but it seemed cut short, somehow. Had he made it after all?
I waited to hear it again – Jake always did it twice after Mollie’s
performances, two distinctive whistles to be sure she heard – but it didn’t
come and so I dismissed it.
I met her backstage and gave her
the roses and she looked at them, then leaned sideways to peer around me.
“Where’s Daddy?”
“I don’t think he made it, honey. I
didn’t see him.” Disappointment clouded her eyes. “And he’s going to be sorry.
It was a fantastic performance. You were wonderful.”
“I was not. He didn’t miss
anything. I messed up like three times.”
“I’m sure no one noticed,” I said,
“I know I didn’t.”
“I’m sure the judges noticed,” she said,
her eyes welling up. “I probably won’t get picked for the team.”
“You will, I’m sure of it,” I said,
and she searched my face, eager to believe.
She brought the flowers to her
nose. “So where’d these come from?”
I smiled, feeling a little proud.
“I got them,” I said. “I ran out after I dropped you off, just in case Daddy
didn’t make it. I wanted you to have them.”
“Oh.” She laid them on the floor
next to her bag, pulled the ribbon out of her hair and shook it, then jammed
her sheet music into her bag along with the flowers. “Well, thanks,” she said.
Other parents were picking up their
children, exclaiming over how well they’d played, what a great concert it was.
I greeted the ones I knew, while the students traded hugs and high-fives, and
Mollie kept watching the door for Jake.
“I’m sure Daddy’ll be home when we
get there,” I told her.
“Whatever,” she said. “Let’s just
go.”
###
The house was dark when we got home
and I thought Jake must have fallen asleep after his run.
“Jake?” I called as I turned lights on and walked into the kitchen. “Jake!” I called again, louder this time, hoping to wake him.
“Jake?” I called as I turned lights on and walked into the kitchen. “Jake!” I called again, louder this time, hoping to wake him.
“I’ll find him,” Mollie said,
kicking off her shoes and shrugging out of her coat, throwing it on a stool at
the breakfast bar.
“Why don’t you go change and I’ll
find him,” I said, but she was already on her way upstairs.
I was cutting up a chicken for
paprikash when Mollie came back into the kitchen, transformed into her teenage
self in torn jeans and t-shirt, her hair twisted into a knot on top of her head.
“He’s not here,” she said.
I stopped trimming and looked at
her, knife in the air. “What do you mean he’s not here?”
“I mean, like, I looked in your
bedroom, in the den, in his workout room and the bathrooms, and he’s, like, not
here.”
“Did you look in the garage?”
“Well, duh…we drove into the
garage.”
Here was a glimpse into my future
of Mollie as a hostile teenager. I prayed she wasn’t going to go through that
my-mother’s-a-useless-pain-in-the-ass stage like Clara had. That was so
unpleasant. Why don’t they hate their fathers too? Where’s the fairness in
that?
I put the knife down and got my
phone and called Jake’s cell. It went right to voice mail.
“Jake,” I said, “where are you?
Call me as soon as you get this.”
I was puzzled but still not
worried. Like I said, Jake got distracted easily.
I went up to our bedroom and looked
in his closet. The floor was a jumble of loafers and slippers and boots, but
his running shoes weren’t among them.
His wedding ring was on the
dresser, but that didn’t alarm me; he never wore it when he ran. His dad’s old
Omega was there, too, the one he’d asked me to take to the jeweler.
Oops, I thought, and put it in my
purse. Jake wanted to get it fixed for Spencer, who was named for his
grandfather.
There were some slips of paper from
his pockets; Post-It notes and small, ragged, lined sheets torn from a spiral
notebook. I read the phone numbers, names and to-do kinds of things in Jake’s
messy scrawl but nothing meant anything to me.
Downstairs I checked the pockets of
his jacket and found his gloves and car keys. So it looked like he was still
out running. But how long had he been out there? Three hours? Four? Was he
training for a marathon I’d forgotten about?
Obviously he hadn’t remembered
Mollie’s recital. I thought he and his buddy Ted must have gone out for a beer
after their run. “We’re replenishing our carbs,” Jake always said when I
pointed out the incompatibility of running and beer drinking. But beer or not,
there was an explanation, I was sure. Nothing I would be happy with, nothing
that would make Mollie feel better, but something rational and benign. And
that’s what I told Mollie when she asked, “So where is he?”
“I don’t know. But you know your
dad, how he gets involved in things and forgets about the world and everything
in it.”
“How could he forget about my solo?
And the competition? It’s like the biggest thing in my life.”
“I know,” I said. “He’ll feel
terrible when he realizes he missed it.”
“Yeah, well it sucks,” Mollie said.
Tears stood in her eyes. “He doesn’t even care.”
“He does, sweetie. He’ll be really
upset when he realizes he missed it.”
She rolled her eyes.
I finished making the paprikash and
Mollie made a salad, and then we ate and pretended not to notice that Jake
wasn’t there to eat with us. His absence left a gap we couldn’t ignore, but
Mollie didn’t say anything about that, just talked about the recital and the
bake sale, which was going to fund the music competition in New York.
“Do you think I’ll get in?” she
asked, looking as if her life depended on my answer.
“I do, sweetie. Your performance
was amazing.”
“But I messed up.”
“It didn’t overshadow the beauty of
your performance. Really, Mol. Did you hear that crowd?”
“Yeah. It was great, wasn’t it? “
The memory of the crowd’s appreciation brought a shine to her eyes that warmed
my heart.
She forked some more chicken into
her mouth. “This is the best paprikash you’ve ever made,” she said.
I smiled. Jake said that same thing
at every meal, no matter what we were eating.
A sweet girl, our Mollie.
###
Later, when Mollie was texting her
BFFs, thumbs flying all over the Lilliputian keyboard, I called Jake’s cell
again but again it went to voice mail. Now a bubble of anxiety was simmering in
my stomach. Or it might have been heartburn from the paprikash.
Why didn’t he call me?
Still, I wasn’t going to get into
the trap of working myself into a frenzy only to have him stroll in saying, “Oh
Hannah, what are you so worked up about? You knew Ted and I were going out
tonight. It’s his birthday.”
After Mollie went to bed I paged
through an In Style magazine and
watched Rachel Ray cook up what she called stoup
(“Not quite a stew,” she said, “but thicker than a soup.”), and I fell asleep
on the couch. And when I was awakened at 3:10 in the morning by my own
unladylike snoring and there was still no sign of Jake, that’s when my neck
started to throb as I imagined him lying bloody somewhere, or in a hospital on
a breathing tube.
