Once you have an AARP card, your dating options are limited. How do you find suitable prospects when you no longer have a homeroom to go to or a local bar where you can hobnob with your peers and throw back shots and shoot darts, and you’ve already exhausted your friends’ (meager) supply of single men who walk upright and don’t drool?
Where do you turn? Why, the Internet, of course. And what a vast network that is. There are a trillion dating sites to choose from and there’s someone for everyone there, but it will take all your resources to cull the wheat from the chaff – and there’s a lot of chaff. And the older you get the more chaff there is. Sorry, but it’s a fact of life.
If you’re venturing into the world of online dating and you’re over fifty, gird your loins (you’re the only people who will understand that reference) and follow my tips:
First, be sure to pay attention to the photos on the profiles you’re perusing. They will give you big clues about the person’s personality.
For example (IF I had a profile on an online dating site):
Take note of what I’m wearing; it’s important to note that I am not wearing sweatpants, tanktop, bikini or prom dress. I have no tattoos, I am not packing heat, carrying binoculars or climbing equipment, I’m not surfing or riding a motorcycle.
Look at the surroundings in the photo; you will not see any tents, double-wide trailers, deserts, white water or wildlife. I have all my teeth and that is a feature I prize.
• If you have to go to the library to use a computer
• If you ride a Harley (helmets mess up my hair)
• If you have a picture of you with your daughter in her wedding gown where you’re smoking a cigarette and she’s wearing a strapless gown to show off the gigantic tattoo of Jesus on her chest
• If you write things like, “You are aging like that proverbial bottle of fine wine. I’d like the honor of uncorking your bottle, pouring out a generous draught of your vintage, and then savoring it.”
• If you state in your profile that you’re a disabled ironworker living on social security.
• If your profile says god sent me to you
• If you use smiley faces in your messages
• If you’re wearing a dago-T in your profile picture, or worse, if you’re shirtless (especially egregious if you’re over sixty)
• If the only picture you have is one where you’re taking it of yourself in the mirror with your iPhone
• If you don’t have a profile picture
• If your profile name is lovingyouismygoal
• If you have a beard that can be braided
All kidding aside (I’m not kidding), here’s my number one tip for internet dating, whether you’re 20 or 70: Be more open than I am. You might have to sift through a lot of gravel but you never know when that gem will turn up.